Women, Clothing and Self-Respect

I wrote this article back when I was a student at the university about eight years ago - nothing has changed. Unfortunately what applied to campus life back then also applies to us all today. It's time to think about how we portray ourselves to ourselves and the outside world at large. Are we exclusively our bodies, or are we more than just the cleavage or legs that we show off? (I've made a few adjustments here from the original as well as added a new paragraph at the end.)

Thank goodness winter is coming. It will now be easier for us, the women on campus to keep our own self-respect.

What we wear is who we are. We don't have to like it, but it's true. Business people wear suits, bank tellers wear business casual, baggers at the supermarket wear aprons that have the name of the supermarket on it, and some of the women on campus dress like prostitutes.

What the question really comes down to is, who are you dressing to impress? If you wake up in the morning with no thought to what you are wearing and you put on the most comfortable jeans and sweatshirt, then this article is not for you. For the other 95% of women on campus, pay attention.

Most women wear clothing to attract the opposite sex. So who is it that you want to attract? Will exhibiting your body get you the man you want? What do you want the guy sitting next to you in class to notice first? Your chest, almost covered by a nonexistent shirt, or the insightful question you just asked the professor?

"Wait a minute", you yell. "I should be able to wear whatever I want and he should still respect me for my mind."

As a woman, I would agree with you. You should be able to wear whatever you want. But let's deal with Reality. Are guys dating you because you look like an easy target or are they interested in a real relationship? What image are you projecting?

Are we women so insecure with ourselves that we are dependent on a man to give us an identity? What happens when you "get" a man? Are you going to be able to keep him? What will you give up in order to keep him?

We all know the answer to that one. But what about "love"? You fell in "love" with him. How long does that "love" last - until he finds someone else? Is this a real relationship, or is this sex? How much do you know about him? You both like the same movies? That's real deep. It definitely something on which to base a lifetime relationship.

Let's go back to the idea of clothing. Clothes are the objects that tell the rest of the world who you are. What kind of a person you are. Wearing clothing that doesn't show off every curve of your body, leaving nothing to the imagination, is a good thing. It shows that there is more to you than your body. You are more than your body. Hopefully. If you're showing off your body, it may be that there is nothing else to show off, no mind to go with it.

When you go outside in the rain, and you have something that shouldn't get wet, like a book or a camera, you cover it with something. Not because that object is bad, but because you want to protect it.

The same concept applies here. The body is not a bad thing at all, rather the exact opposite. It is very valuable and it needs to be protected. It must not be used at anyone's discretion or as a means to an end. The more valuable something is, the more protection it should be given. This does not include dressing like the Taliban women under a veil, where they were unable to participate as a full member of society. This is unnecessary and cruel.

We are not objects. Or bodies should not be objects. If we want a real relationship with a man, we must show them that we are more than how much skin we show. Show them that you have some self-respect. Otherwise, there's no difference between us and a prostitute.

* To add to this article a Jewish aspect - our bodies are also the clothing of our souls. Our goal in life is to create a partnership between our souls needs and our bodies wants. Our bodies are transitory - we have them on loan for a temporary period of time - our souls are forever. Our souls are our direct connection to G-d, and our bodies are the physical interface between our souls and the world around us.

Sometimes our bodies do not want to listen to our souls needs, and wants purely the pleasures of the world without the responsibilities of the purpose of our creation - to bring G-dliness into the world, to make the world into a place where G-d wants to dwell. One of the challenges we all face is to bring our bodies under the control of our souls and allow them to work together in tandem - in unison. The soul needs the body to bring good into the world, and the body needs the soul in order to focus its power in the correct direction.

Clothing is there to help us focus on the spiritual side of ourselves, rather than solely on the physical side of life. This is certainly a challenge - to integrate our G-dly soul and our physical bodies. It can be done. Don't neglect your soul - go to a Jewish lecture once a month or once a week. Find a Jewish book and read from it for five minutes a day. The same way it is essential to feed your body - it is essential to feed your soul. Begin today.

Yom Kippur Preparation

When you're sitting in synagogue it's sometimes hard to follow or always be interested in what's happening during the services. No worries, that's part of being human. What you can do is plan ahead.

Go to these two websites and print out ahead of the holiday - this year Yom Kippur lands on Shabbat, from Friday night to Saturday night - the information that's assembled here and bring it with you to services:

Aish.com's Yom Kippur Reader

Chabad.org's Yom Kippur Guide

I also recommend this book: The Rosh HaShanah Yom Kippur Survival Kit by Shimon Apisdorf. Very worthwhile reading (along with his other books). You can find his books at your local Jewish book store - and probably at your Barnes & Noble as well.

The goal on Yom Kippur is not to watch the clock and count how many pages are left until the service is over. The goal is to return to G-d, our King, our Creator, our Father in Heaven who loves us. Take the time think about how you can improve that relationship with Him. Many times we don't take the time to prepare for a holiday - we are too busy running errands or working to properly think about a holiday before we light candles and begin. I suggest that we take five minutes - right now - to go print out these Yom Kippur guides in order to have them to read at the synagogue (and if you have a moment, to read beforehand as well).

Here's a link to Holiday Candle Lighting.

To find free services, click here.

Gmar Chatima Tova.
May we all have a healthy, successful and peaceful upcoming year.

Rosh HaShanah and You

In the last article I mentioned the blessing Asher Yatzar. The more I've been thinking about it - the more amazing a blessing I think it is.

Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, who has formed man in wisdom, and created within him numerous orifices and cavities. It is revealed and known before the Throne of Your Glory that if but one of them were to be blocked, or one of them were to be opened, it would be impossible to exist even for a short while. Blessed are You Lord, who heals all flesh and performs wonders.

What I find interesting is that the same G-d who created the universe, is the One who created each individual walking the Earth. The same detail that went into creating the world and all we find in it - is the same amazing detail we find in ourselves, in our bodies.

In Judaism, each person is considered an olam katan - a miniature world. At this point we should also consider that Rosh HaShanah is not the birthday of the world - but is really the birthday of man. Adam and Eve were created on the first Rosh HaShanah.

The world was created for people to use and therefore the importance of mankind should not be overlooked. That being said, let us paraphrase a semi-famous statement: "with great power comes great responsibility".

G-d gives us a tremendous power - the power to choose. We have free will to make our decisions. He's given us all our strengths and talents in order to choose the correct path.

See - I have placed before you today the life and the good, the death and the evil, that which I command you today, to love HaShem, your G-d, to walk in His ways, to observe His commandments, His decrees, and His ordinances; then you will live and you will multiply, and HaShem, your G-d will bless you... [Deuteronomy 30:15]

Rosh HaShanah is the holiday where we recognize that our Creator, the one who fashioned us is also our King. It is the realization that our individuality and the innate gifts that we posses are given to us by something greater than ourselves.

Rosh HaShanah is there as a reality check for us -
1 - People as a whole are the pinnacle of creation. The world is there for us to use and to make better.
2 - Each individual - you - has importance. You were created for a reason by the Creator of the entire universe.
3 - Rosh HaShanah is there to recognize the King of the universe and to realize that who we are depends entirely on Him.

Rosh HaShanah presents us with a new start and new opportunities. Let us take take stock of who we are and where we are in our lives and move forward, using every gift given to us by our Creator, the King.

I want to wish everyone a healthy, successful and sweet New Year.

How do you eat an Elephant?

Answer: One bite at a time.

A dumb joke, but a great analogy. During this time of Elul, the month bringing us into the High Holidays of Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, we begin thinking about the past year and how to improve the year ahead. This joke gives us an idea of how to approach the coming Holiday season.

It's normal for us to get involved in what we need for living our everyday lives. Everything from - what am I going to have for dinner tonight to the ability to make a living. These are obviously important things to consider, but we have a tendency to overlook the spiritual parts of ourselves while just trying to make ends meet.

There is a major assumption that we may have when thinking about our involvement in Judaism.
* That involvement in Judaism is an "all or nothing" proposition.

"All or nothing" is not Judaism. This is certainly not to say that G-d isn't asking us to keep all the commandments, or to pick and choose the ones we like doing most. Realistically we have to take into account human nature - keeping the Torah and mitzvot may seem overwhelming to some. This is why the elephant analogy is so apt. We are meant to approach our Judaism one step at a time.

Judaism is a lifestyle - the way that G-d explained to us to get the most out of our time alive. While we may see this statement as intellectually true, it is not always easy to implement it into our lives. That's why we should take it slowly.

King David instituted the idea of saying 100 blessings daily. Why? To bring the recognition of G-d into our every day actions. One hundred blessings might be a bit much for us right now - but how about one blessing said with real feeling every day?

I do this myself with one particular blessing. It's what I call the bathroom blessing. It is said after doing your "business" in the bathroom (saying it outside the bathroom). It's called the Asher Yatzar.

Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, who has formed man in wisdom, and created within him numerous orifices and cavities. It is revealed and known before the Throne of Your Glory that if but one of them were to be blocked, or one of them were to be opened, it would be impossible to exist even for a short while. Blessed are You Lord, who heals all flesh and performs wonders.

If we contemplate the words in this blessing - we see something amazing. We take much of our health for granted and certainly do not think much of using the bathroom - but the truth of this blessing brings us back to the basics of human biology. We are delicate creations, with organs and blood running through us, DNA and cells with vital information - if anything goes wrong with any of these parts of us... we are in real trouble.

Understanding the basics is where I think we should begin when approaching the New Year. By saying this blessing we gain the recognition that G-d watches out for us personally and wishes for us the best - saying one blessing with feeling once a day for a total of two minutes is a good place to start.

We're Missing the Big Picture

We take the laws of nature for granted. Birds fly, people don't. An apple falls from a tree and hits the ground. It doesn't head out into the sky. We have four seasons. (In Michigan there are two - winter and construction.) The leaves on the trees turn pretty colors in the fall. Snow is cold. We can go on and on.

While we take the rules of nature for granted - we see the Jewish laws and customs as random; a haphazard set of archaic rules. We don't see a "big picture" banding them together into a coherent message or guide to life.

This is why I picked the two books on the featured page of A Jewish Minute's store. I have read both and sincerely recommend them without hesitation.

Masterplan by Aryeh Carmell - This book takes the mitzvot and creates that coherent picture that we're missing. How these mitzvot relate to one another, how the mitzvot help us relate to each other, help us relate to the world, and how we can create a better world. One or two pages are dedicated to explaining each mitzvah and how it fits into this bigger picture. It is readable and can be read slowly - one mitzvah at a time, or obviously more.

The Sabbath by Dayan Dr. I. Grunfeld - This book does a good job of explaining what exactly the Shabbat is and what it really means to "rest". I just finished reading this book and while I thought I understood the purpose of Shabbat and what we're supposed to get out of it, I really did learn new things. It's a short book, just over 100 pages long and of course readable.

These two books do an excellent job of clarifying that big picture that we're missing. The assumption that Judaism is made up of a bunch of random and useless rules just isn't true - these books help put the pieces together.

The High Holidays and the Three Weeks

Just last week I saw an big sign outside a synagogue advertising High Holy Day tickets to services. I was shocked. Here we are in the beginning of July and they are advertising early bird tickets. I could not believe it.

But the message planted itself into my brain and started bouncing around. It's true, Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur are only two months away.

One of the main ideas associated with the High Holidays is one of teshuva, return. We are attempting to return to G-d and doing the mitzvot. The time of year we try to make amends. Many people spend the week prior to the Holidays running around to their family, friends and acquaintances apologizing for the way they may have been mistreated over the past year.

I think that this is a nice idea, but there's a better time of year to begin this mea culpa ritual. I believe that the time is now.

There is a period of time during the Jewish calendar year called the "Three Weeks". This is a period in our history that includes terrible things that have happened over the last 4000 years. It's a period of mourning. It begins on the 17th of Tammuz (this year June 29) and ends on Tisha B'Av (this year July 20).

While there is more to the 17th of Tammuz than I am including here - I am going to focus on the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, the center of Jewish life. On the 17th of Tammuz the enemy broke through the walls of Jerusalem before the destruction of the Second Temple. The Second Temple (and the First) was then destroyed on Tisha B'Av, the Jewish national day of mourning.

The Talmud teaches us that the reason that G-d allowed for the Second Temple to be destroyed was because baseless hatred had become prevalent within the Jewish People - known in Hebrew as sinat chinam (free hatred).

While it is difficult to imagine the High Holidays coming up, it may be a good time to think about that concept of teshuva. During the Holidays we are focused on our relationship with G-d, not on our relationship with others. In fact, G-d can not and does not forgive us for what we have done to our fellow man, rather G-d expects us to work on these relationships and right the wrongs which may have occurred.

Since this is the case, it is really up to us to do teshuva in the interpersonal relationships of our lives. During this period of the Three Weeks where we remember the loss of the Holy Temple due to our own loss of love and baseless hatred for our fellow Jew - this - is the time where we need to take the time and call our friends, family and acquaintances to ask for their forgiveness for any errors in judgement on our part. This is the time to outwardly show baseless love for all Jews. Don't wait for the High Holy Days to roll around, jump on the early opportunity today.

Modim - A Prayer of Thanks

We thankfully acknowledge that You are the Lord our G-d and G-d of our fathers forever. You are the strength of our life, the shield of our salvation in every generation. We will give thanks to You and recount Your praise, evening, morning and noon, for our lives which are committed into Your hand, for our souls which are entrusted to You, for Your miracles which are with us daily, and for Your continual wonders and beneficences. You are the Beneficent One, for Your mercies never cease; the Merciful One, for Your kindnesses never end; for we always place our home in You.

The part of this prayer that strikes me is the part I have marked in bold and recount here "...for Your miracles which are with us daily, and Your continual wonders and benefices..."

While walking home one day I stopped at a traffic light waiting for the sign to let me cross. While waiting I noticed a beautiful scent. I looked around and found the lilacs and had to smile. I realized at that moment how blessed I really was. I had not noticed the flowers before, but per chance had stopped to enjoy the smell.

Soon after the encounter at the traffic light I had the opportunity to visit with both my nephew and my niece. Both are approximately the same age (6-7 months old) and only beginning to realize that there is a world around them. They have discovered their hands, and most importantly their thumbs. They have begun rolling and crawling backward trying to get from place A to place B. It is truly an amazing thing to watch.

Over these past five months I have also had the opportunity to volunteer with 1st graders, about 6 years old (going on 17), helping with their reading and writing. They are just beginning to really understand and comprehend what they are reading. They are deep in concentration when forming the letters on the page. They are creating relationships with others in class, figuring out what makes them "friends".

All the things that these children, whether 6 months or 6 years old, are learning the first time, we clearly take for granted. When was the last time we closely examined our fingers? Or carefully concentrated on our handwriting? The ease in walking from one end of the room to the other? The ability to communicate our needs and hopes to another person?

These are all gifts. We generally do not spend any time thinking about these things. Perhaps it may cross our mind to consider our bodies when something isn't working right - when we sprain an ankle, or break a wrist - but generally it doesn't.

These gifts are available to us 24/7 without break. It is human nature to focus on the things we do not have, and to overlook those that we do. This prayer reminds us that we must take time to be thankful for the things we have and take for granted. Start noticing those small things - see how many you can find each day. Perhaps even keep a list - and you'll see what a difference it will make in your life.

Shabbat Shalom.